The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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