A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
