he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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