i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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