my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
