I can text with my tongue
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
