she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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