If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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