How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
