According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
