I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
