I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
