the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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