Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I cockslap morals
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
