dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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