so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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