bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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