just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
