im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
