In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
