apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
