highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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