He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
