Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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