totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
