Im at strip club and am horny
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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