I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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