thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Damn victory sex feels great
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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