Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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