I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
