Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
this is an emotional support booty call
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
