I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
