i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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