OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's never too late to be topless.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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