Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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