I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
