New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
