oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
