i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
