PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
