I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
