remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
