i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
