She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
