Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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