I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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