did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
