i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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