i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
