Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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