I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
