Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
