im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
