but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
