I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
